Laity Response

“Prolonged exposure to the corruption of the Catholic Church may cause theological confusion and disillusionment with God and the Bible, according to multiple peer-reviewed studies.

“Don’t try to tough it out, please,” said one disaster relief official. “Take your valuables and your loved ones and get out of there as soon as possible.”

Experts claim every time they issue an evacuation warning for Catholic worshipers, millions refuse to leave, staying behind rather than heeding the warning. “Don’t try to be a hero, don’t try to be brave, don’t try to reform things from the inside out—just exit in a calm, orderly fashion.”

In a rare moment of candor, Pope Francis addressed the authorities’ evacuation warning, claiming that he’s “hard at work” on important issues like overuse of plastic straws, climate change, and social justice. “There is nothing to fear. Please stay calm and do not evacuate while we work on these environmental problems.”

“Through its deliberations, the NRB concluded that the Audit needs to be “truly independent.”

“Your dioceses have received the same basic Audit for close to 10 years,” noted Cesareo. “A more thorough and independent Audit process would more effectively insure the accountability of your diocesan procedures in conformity with the Charter.”

“Virtually all your dioceses, including those where problems came to light under the microscope of the media or attorneys general, have easily passed the Audit for years, since the bar is currently so low,” continued the NRB chairman.

“Now is the time to raise the bar on compliance to ensure the mistakes of the past are not repeated,” he declared. “The Audit process itself should be developed by the vendor, not bishops.”