You know you’re getting old when:
- You hum to the Muzak on the elevator.
- You stand in your front yard yelling at passing cars, “Slow down, you’re going too fast.”
- You address your friend’s parents by their first names.
- Your neighbor’s (apartment dwellers) parents are younger than you.
- The high point of the day is taking your blood pressure reading on your home monitoring kit…or reconciling your bank statement.
- The last time you went to a movie theater, there were ushers to escort you to your seat (with a flashlight).
- You show off your 1940 Pontiac to people who were not even born then.
- You really, really miss trolley cars and steam locomotives.
- You are addressed as “Sir” by anyone under forty.
Just remember, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste, and if a girl worships the quicksand you walk on, she probably loves her luggage more than you.
Here’s a thought: If we banned the use of those noise-polluting leaf-blowers, one million Mexicans would lose their jobs.
Scatter shooting while wondering what ever happened to pretty boys Troy Donahue and John Saxton. I consider my ol’ van as a time machine… ahead is the future, in back is the past. Was Roe vs. Wade about two guys arguing in a canoe? The one thing Japan doesn’t produce better than the U. S. A. – the apple. Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women. Four-alarm chili poured into a bag of corn chips – now that’s a highway. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. The Patriot missiles had a better score at locating Iraq than 90 per cent of highschoolers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Life is like a ten-speed bicycle …most of us have gears we never use. Yours truly can surely relate to that. Which brings me to another point: the human body was designed to walk, run, or stop; it wasn’t built to coast. Frank Lloyd Wright was an egomaniac who thought he was God, but his one flaw was that he didn’t anticipate the need for larger closets.
I think the words of John Heywood would be an appropriate ending: “I will spit on my hands and take better hold.”