I live in an apartment that doesn’t allow pets. The Equal Housing Act of the mid-1970’s allowed families to live anywhere with their rug-rats crawling all over the place. Yet, I cannot have a civilized canine companion. That’s just the gist of my jeremiad. When out on the road, I have frequently entertained felonious thoughts of “dognapping” my best friend’s Golden Retriever or German Shepherd, all of whom had become best friend during my stay. I’m not kiddin’ ya’.
Invariably, I would find their devoted dog curled up on the carpet of my van, looking up at me longingly as if to say, “When are we hittin’ the road?”. All I could think about was that great Steinbeck odyssey, “Travels With Charlie”. And just to add insult to injury, on several occasions I have encountered kids with a cardboard box full of cute, cuddly pups in front of a grocery store, offering me to take one home – for free. Yow, it hurts to think about it. Well, here’s my idea: if you can rent a car, why not lease a dog? Think about it. It’d be a great business. You could drop by, pick out your model already insured, vaccinated, tagged, and neutered, and off you go, with unlimited mileage (Sorry, no reimbursement for the ALPO). There’s one drawback – what if you get emotionally involved? I guess you just cry a lot.
One can only hope that their life was preceded by a love affair. Which leads me to another thought: when flying over a city at night, have you ever wondered how many people down there are fornicating?
It is a very uncomfortable feeling to get one hand wet.
I SLEPT and dreamed the world was full of joy. I AWOKE and found the world was full of service. I SERVED and found the world was full of joy.
I have two goals in life: to outlive my mother, and to have my inseam the same as my waistline. [NB Bill accomplished these goals.]
When did the one-handed handshake get replaced by the two-handed high-five?
LOVE wasn’t put in your Heart to stay. LOVE isn’t Love until you give it away.
Have you ever stood with both feet parallel to each other, and felt like you’re standing pigeon-toed?
Within every silver-lining, there’s a dark cloud.
Much of my best friendships lies not in the enjoyment of similarities, but in the honoring of differences.
Think about how simple useless things used to be, that is, confetti, burnt matches, broken rubber bands, carbon paper. Now, it’s Hondas, telephones, computers, and baseballs that last five pitches.
Only the intelligentsia appreciate the contemporary comic strips. Only the unintelligent swill a beer with food in their mouth.
Accomplish something every day, no matter how small.
Let the wind blow through your hair while you still have some.
Golf is a strange game. Even if you get a hole-in-one, you’re still penalized one stroke.
Baseball is even stranger. It’s the only game that can be played backwards in a mirror.
Here’s a theoretical question: Do you get wetter walking or running through the rain? The answer: You are just as wringing wet either way. The explanation: When walking, you are doused with less pellets of rain per feet of distance traveled. When running, the amount of rain is concentrated on your body by the number of droplets per feet of movement. In conclusion, I cannot prove this theory one way or the other. What I have experienced is that I have gotten just as soaked whether biking in first gear or sixth gear.
It is better to try and fail than failing to try.
In October 2000, a certain politician in the Northeastern area of the U.S. used the word “niggardly” in his speech relating to the parsimonious allocation of state funds by his opponent. Well, you would have thought it was George Wallace reeling off one of his state’s rights tirades back in the 1960’s. And, of course, the NAACP, supposedly an intelligent organization, immediately decried the statement as a “racist” derogative. Can you believe that? I thought the line between bigotry and tolerance had been erased forty years ago. Evidently not. Maybe the audience, both black and white at that seating, should have been carrying pocket-size lexicons instead of cellular phones.
There has been a significant change in the subject matter of weekly publications. Let’s call it the evolution of TIME magazine, that is. When I was an avid subscriber back in the 60’s and 70’s, the majority of the articles were concerned with such issues as integrating, segregating, rioting, protesting, busing, assassinating, and polluting – you know, good human interest stuff. Nowadays, I can usually peruse TIME while waiting in the check-out line at the supermarket (under the erroneous sign reading “Fast Lane”). What I find is a plethora of articles relating to cyberspacing, internetting, broad-banding, stock-jobbing, stock-splitting, and global communicating. Well, as they say, TIMES are-a-changing.
The ACLU has got to be the most inane organization ever created. This obtuse group of know-it-alls sit around scratching their numbskulls, trying to figure out what to object to this week. Their supposedly “civil liberties” issues run the gauntlet of absurdities. Following are some of their more earth-shattering protestations:
- The Confederate flag being flown over South Carolina’s Capitol
Building. (anti-NAACP and some so-called-liberal factions)
- The Confederate flag plastered on the wrappers of hot dogs sold
at Atlanta’s Turner Field. (anti-black center fielders)
- The styrofoam tomahawks wielded at Turner Field. (anti-Native
American)
- The flying of the Texas flag in front of the Alamo. (anti-Mexican)
- Mileage rates in Arabic on New York City taxi cabs. (anti-Semitic)
- Instructions in Hebrew in voting booths. (anti-Arabic and Gentile)
- The display of the Ten Commandments in a Nebraska courtroom. (anti Separatists of State and Church)
- A banner reading: “Real Men Drink at McSorley’s” carried at New York City’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. (anti-Gay)
Is it any wonder that the rantings of the ACLU fall on deaf ears?
If the shoe fits, find another one exactly like it.
Happiness is hearing the snap, crackle, and pop of acorns as I smash them under my bicycle tires.
I do not believe there is such a thing as infinity, whether it’s backwards, forwards, or skywards. Scientists tell us of the creation of the universe in billions of years ago, and the distance of stars in millions of light-years away. They have yet failed to predict how long all this is going to last. The beauty of the human mind is to wonder. And boy, do I wonder, to the point where it’s almost frightening, and then I have to shut it down real fast. I wonder what was there before all this creation, and before that, and before that, and on and on. There had to be a beginning somewhere. But then, what was before that beginning? I tell you, it’s mind-boggling. And then there’s the matter of space. How far does the universe go? We can think of it as a balloon, but a balloon is finite. What’s beyond that sphere, and beyond that, and on and on. There has to be an end somewhere. And finally, how long will all of this last? Will there ever be an end to the world as we know it? Can you imagine a World Series being played two million years from now? There has to be a beginning and end to everything. I know, you’re going to say, “It is not for us immortals to know.” Yeah, but I can still wonder, and wonder, and ….
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come over and talk to me.
If you play a Country & Western record backwards, the guy gets his girlfriend back, his house back, his pick-up back, and his dog back.
I sorely regret the demise of the railroads. The U.S. of A. is slowly and steadily being covered in swaths of concrete. A railroad track consists of two steel rails, 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches apart. At their peak in 1920, there were 220,000 miles of tracks, yet they had little, if no, impact on the environment. Now, in this so-called progressive country, we have managed to plow under hundreds of square miles of farm land for the sake of interstate and city highways, suburban sprawl, truck plazas, shopping mall parking lots, and airport runways. It’s very disquieting as to when this paving-over-America will ever end. Someday we are going to realize that this country is not the land of unlimited bountifulness.
Have you ever wondered where your dentist goes when he leaves you alone? I know where mine goes – in to his office to watch his favorite soap opera.
You never hear of a riot at an opera.
Whenever I get upset over mundane matters, such as having to repair a flat tire on my bike, I only have to recall a segment on ABC’s World News Tonight, hosted by the incomparable Peter Jennings. It related to a woman in her early-thirties who had relinquished an $80,000 a year position in silicon valley in California to help the homeless children in Romania. Starting on the streets, she had subsequently renovated a house to shelter and feed her brood. My anxieties quickly abate, and I realize how meaningless my problems seem.
Give a smile to someone every day, even if you wear braces.
You know what really churns my butter? It’s the little people who assert their assumed authorization over you. For example, a security guard who runs you off while sitting on a bench in front of an office building. It actually happened to me the other day.
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