Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I’ m not into working out. My philosophy is; “No pain, no pain.”
Futon is Japanese for “unwanted guest.”
I’m trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever notice there’s no expiration date on sour cream?
Do you think illiterate people comprehend alphabet soup?
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets annoyed at you, but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?
Some facts about Colorado:
There are four seasons in Colorado – elk, football, skiing, and road repair.
April showers bring May blizzards.
The correct pronunciation of Buena Vista is Buna, as in tuna.
The correct pronunciation of Colorado is Kuleeraado.
People from other states breath five times faster.
People carry $3,000 mountain bikes on top of a $500 car.
A MBA graduate is happy frying burgers at a McDonald’s in Vail.
You need to own a dog named Aspen, Cody, Cheyenne, or Dakota that wears a bandanna
You can see an eighty-year old snow boarding.
You can see a bald-headed man wearing a ponytail
Formal wear means ironed denim.
North means “mountains to the left”, south means “mountains to the right”, and east and west are where all the “flatlanders” are moving in from.
You go anywhere else in the country and the air feels “sticky” and the sky is no longer blue.
You can stand on solid ground and look down on an airplane in flight.
Knowing that Texas and California are downstream gives Coloradans a certain feeling of satisfaction when they flush.
Some facts about Texas:
Armadillos do sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
Green grass does burn.
There are 5,000 types of snakes, 4,998 are in Texas.
Nothing will kill a mesquite.
A tractor is not an ATV. They do get stuck.
Onced and twiced are words.
Graduating 1st in your class means you left school in the 8th grade.
Coldbeer is one word.
If you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people will drop one off at your front gate.
The sound of coyotes howling is enjoyable for the first two weeks.
Fixinto is one word.
Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
Why did the Hell’s Angels wear leather? Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? Tape measures.
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? Only after lights out.
Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb. Can you detect light? Only during ballet practice.
Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do”. Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests: “It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”
A street beggar, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. “Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” The well-dressed man responds, “You’re not going to spend it on liquor, are you?” “No sir, I don’t drink,” the bum responds. “You’re not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?” asks the man. “No way, I don’t gamble,” answers the bum. “You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for green fees, would you?” asks the man. “Never,” says the bum, “I don’t play golf ” The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they were heading for the man’s house, the bum’s curiosity gets the better of him. “Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?” “Probably,” says the man, “but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble, or play golf.”
I like to think my creed as being: “Underpromised, overdelivered.”
It’s okay to play with your food.
If an idea is worth having once, it’s worth having twice.
“Take a few cups of love, one teaspoon of generosity, one pint of kindness, and stir it up well and serve it to each and every deserving person.” – Muhhammed Ali