A Spoof on the Fine Art of Fishing Part II

Here’s one of the classics: Hal Jay wants to go fishing down on the Rio Grande, someplace called Lake Guerro (I can’t find it on the silly map). Anyway, this is what transpires: “Let me check my files here, oh yes, here it is under ‘Wetback’. This is an excellent time to be fishing on Lake Guerro, ’cause the big ‘uns are bitin’. I spoke earlier this week with a guide friend of mine, Chico Montana. He says if he’s not available, you can fish with his sister for fifty cents. He says she really knows where the big ‘uns are, and that you can catch most anything if you fish with his sister. Reports say most of the Mexican bass are being caught on the Texas side of the lake, and as a general rule, they’re being caught as they attempt to cross shallow-running streams. Chico also reminds you not to worry about bringing your catch home. He says you can throw several hundred bass in the back of your pick-up, and they’ll ride in it for hours. He also suggests some of the following lures for big bass fishing on Lake Guerro: the hot-pepper gill spoon, the double spinnin’ gritter-getter, and the ever popular deep-divin’ border-jumper. That’s all I have for today, so good luck and keep a tight line.”

On another occasion, Willie has reports from Lake Monticello that read: “This lake is known for its wide variety of exotic fish. Area guides are reporting record catches of the split-tailed blinnal, orphin, glootney, fleegal, shrum, hog-nose clipter, double-gilled snurl, and whisker-lipped benji. Fishermen are reporting that most of the keeper fish are being caught in l6 to 163 feet of water, most of them near partially submerged maugley trees. Now for the best luck, you might want to try the north end of the lake in the following creek channels – Sleeney, Nubbin, and Luddle Berry.” Unbelievable.

Things are getting pretty desperate when Hal suggests going fishing on White Rock Lake (basically, a Dallas reservoir). Willie chimes in with: “An exciting bass-fishing lake, an incredible lake. Let me check my files for a moment, oh here it is, under ‘Beer Cans’. Let’s see, according to our latest report, compiled Thursday morning, August 8th, 1979, small-mouth bass are biting on the following bait: the fluttering wing-back zimmler, nasty-tail nasty Dan, gold-throated yooper, double-bladed snitch tweedler, and the ever popular 2 to 3 inch poon shad.”

Mercifully, we have come full circle, for now we are back at Lake Texoma. Millie reports: “Fishermen are reporting that fishing is very good on the ‘Lake of Two States’. Record catches of sneeple are being caught in brackish water on 1/2 ounce croopie spinners, double-bladed short-shanked yorbits, and sidewindin’ deep-divin’ snappin’ werbler. A lake-record welby was caught last week on a live four-inch goldpin. However, most fishermen are having just as much success with other live bait like the lumpy-finned bruton, split-lipped kelp, and shinney-back knockum. Now this time of year, these live baits have been attracting large schools of the knobby-necked nar, large-fin brackner, and hog-nose marbin. For those of you for the flare of something different, area guides report many keeper-size beelfors and kelpers are being caught with a reverse spooner-size floppin’ bobby with a 1/2 ounce cork-spinner and a tail piece of macaroni. For those of you looking for that magic lure for those killer bass, I might suggest the triple-spinnin’ popsicle panty-popper, guzzlin’ kitty-tickler, short-treuse and blue gruntin’ lizard with a b inch routin’ pork trailer, chilly-villy jumpin’ quick bobbin’ betty, 1/2 ounce frigid-rigid bottom-hopper, knobby-tailed pip-‘n-twitch, and, if everything else fails, the 3/4 ounce orange and blue spotted dixie whopper with a bronze and anodized treble hook.” That’s enough flapdoodle for you fisherpeople.

Thanks for the memories, my good friends, Jim Noack, Jim Toohey, and Larry Foster, for introducing me to the fine art of fishing. Just remember, the universal language is laughter.


William C. Early © 1999